Speaking to a gaggle of reporters after his press conference this morning, Senator Gene Simmons (R-GA) said, “Now I’m just shooting from the hip but what if, instead of all that voter suppression and gerrymandering and gaming the electoral college, what if we just proposed policies that actually helped the people?”
He was immediately reprimanded by members of his own party, with Rep. Phillip Ibeister (R-FL) saying, “that phrase ‘the people’, that’s socialism! That’s how it starts!”
And Rep. Thad Pohl (R-WV) added, “Letting people choose something collectively takes away their individual right to choose that very same thing and therefore goes against the fabric of all we hold dear.”
And Newt “Moon Base” Salmander, never one to hold his tongue, chimed in, “Everything our brave men and women overseas have fought for, and the fierce independence of the American farmer, overrun by invaders, losing everything, which is not what should be happening, as such the honorable Senator Simmons is clearly out of touch with today’s world, our Christian nation, the brotherhood of man, and the fraternity of God.” He then stepped in front of a nearby flag so photographers could take his picture.
Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), however, showed her support saying that “this is an historic day” and went on to emphasize, “I said ‘an’ because I’m a snooty intellectual liberal.”