There are going to be a lot of unhappy people after the election.  There are many people who don’t want to live in Hillary’s America.

Back when it looked like Trump had some possibility of winning, a lot of folks were talking about moving to another country.  The shoe is possibly now on the other foot.

Given that Trump has talked a lot about Russia and is best-bros with Putin, that looks like the natural choice.  Setting aside the obvious financial hurdle of moving to another country and finding employment, let’s examine some of the reasons to move to Russia to avoid the hell that will be Hillary’s America (cue the ominous music).

  1. Healthcare – Russia has nationalized health care but unfortunately the hospitals are not very good.  You might wait in line for several hours and then the hospitals are pretty draconian about closing at 5pm so they might shut the door in your face requiring you to come back the next day to do it all again.  Apparently money is still the great fixer and paying up front can get you prompter attention (if you can afford it).
  2. Weapons – Russian laws are a bit overly fussy about private ownership of guns.  In addition to lots of messy licensing and background check stuff (which needs to be renewed every 5 years) they restrict you from owning guns that shoot in bursts or have magazines holding more than 10 cartridges.  The NRA obviously needs a stronger presence in Russia.
  3. The language – Folks always harp on our immigrants for not learning the language.  Learning a new language is really hard and takes hours of intensive work.  Folks who are working and raising kids are going to face some challenges finding time to make an earnest study of the new language.  And even after they learn the basics, they’re still going to sound like a 1st grader for several years.  Add to that the fact that Russian uses a different alphabet and is typically ranked as a level 4 difficulty language (out of 5, Spanish is a 2) and you’ll likely need to plan to find some serious study time in your new country.
  4. Freedom of speech- oh ha, ha, ha.  There isn’t any.  We were just messing with you.
  5. Housing – you will likely get to live in a costly Soviet-era cinder block apartment many floors up with no elevator.  Who needs a gym?  Kill two birds with one stone because just coming home at the end of the day and walking up all those stairs is going to be great cardio!
  6. Religion – less than 2% of the population is Christian so you’ve got some great opportunities to convert some folks.  And as we all know, there’s no better way to make new friends than by sharing your religion.
  7. Orphans – you know all those cute Russian orphans we used to be able to adopt?  Well there are even more now that we’ve made laws making it more difficult to adopt them here in the states.  The orphanages in Russia are busting at the seams with cute little Russian kids who need homes.
  8. Unemployment is low – we’re not sure they’re all working at jobs that would meet USA standards, but almost everyone is working including children.  Yes, they’ve got a tiny problem with child labor, especially working on the street or making porn, but hey, I’m sure it will all sort itself all out.
  9. Roads and bridges – you may occasionally encounter some difficulties with Russian roads.  This site has a bunch of fun pictures of cars taking mud baths, damage resulting from sizable bumps, and cars sinking in frozen lakes.  But we’re sure it won’t happen to you because you probably won’t be able to afford much gas  (or petrol as they say on the other side of the pond) on the wages you’ll be earning because while gas prices have dropped here, they going up in Russia.
  10. Vodka – ah, the rosy redeeming light at the end of the tunnel.  Good old Russian vodka.  You’ll be close to the source and alcohol consumption in Russia is among the highest in the world.  Plus they drink more hard liquor over there.  No wimpy messing around with beer and wine, no siree!  So kick back and watch that soccer match with a liter of the finest in your hand.  There’s no unreasonable peer pressure to still be conscious at the end of the match.

In summary, Russia beckons!  Don’t let the screen door hit you. Oh, and I’m just being sarcastic but probably a little too sarcastic.